Wen Buss one GUT!

This weekend we went to Maui for the 38th annual Farm and Ag fair. We saw lots of handsome pigs and cows raised up by and auctioned off for the 4-H kids, and enjoyed such culinary marvels as cold greasy pork and peas, and watery cold curry with blackening baby corn in asthma-inducing cumin goop. But those were nicely balanced by delicious crunchy sweet Banana lumpia (think friend spring roll with a banana inside) and awe-(and diabetes)-inspiring friend ice cream, served in a wad as big as a softball.
There were acts on the main stage on and off: Uncle Richard, a brilliant Falsetto singer with white mutton-chops, a girl with a guitar covering Sarah Mclaughlan and country hits, and the "Amazing Stupor-Man!", the absolute worst magic act I've ever had the misfortune to endure. The amazing rope-cutting trick ended with a hopeless tangle, the card the kid picked was never found again, the card-repair "hospital" frame fell apart and had to be reassembled, the false bottom on the disappearing dice trick slipped and all the dice fell out...and all the while the magician's wife/assistant is narrating non-sequiters into the microphone, "Oh, usually this trick doesn't take this long. What was your name again? Kuulei? Oh like Kool-aid? Hahaha! Oh well, hey, kids, wouldn't you hate to be burned alive? Ha! Well, that's marriage for you!"
They were so bad I went to their 2nd show, just to see if it was as bad as I thought. It was.
They also had a Wild West show with lasso and gun-slinging tricks, and then local commedians Timmy and Auggie T!
I can't hope to recreate the mass hysteria they caused with their classic jokes (themes: ice addicts , retards, fat people, Portuguese, Filipinos, old people) but here are some highlights:
Timmy: My wife is so haole, she gets slow service at Zippy's! (crowd's uproarious laughter)
Timmy: My wife is polish, which is like Portugee, but RETARDED!
Timmy: You know Waianae? That's like the Ghetto, but with nice sunsets.
Auggie T: I'm half Filipino and half Portugee, which means in Hawaii I'm Mexican!
Auggie T: The other day I saw a MIDGET... in high-water pants. A MIDGET in HIGH-WATER PANTS!!!
Auggie T: In Hawaii, we all know what each other are. On the mainland, we all ASIAN!! (Pointing at members of the audience) You Pilipina, you Micronesian, you Korean, you Mexican. What, you not Mexican? Don't make that face at me, LEOPARD LADY! REEEOW!!!


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