Settling In Gently

Today I got my second dose of the vaccine! I'm feeling loopy and sore and shaky, but in two weeks, I'll be DTD! Down to...date! But how? It's been over a year of quarantine. My "people skills" are "rusty." But, full disclosure, I've been reading (and writing) a LOT of romantic fanfic and remembering that I want that. Romance, partnership. The fluttery adventure of getting to know someone with that question in mind-- is this us? Are we good together? Do you like me, do I like you? How much? What are we willing to give and receive, what are we willing to leave behind when we go into something new?  Oof, I have to stop there or I'll freak myself out. Okay, so I go sign in to the dating site. My details are 3 or 4 years out of date. The pictures are still clearly me, but... the last year has changed something in me. I feel haggard and sad in a Pacific Northwest way that these chipper photos in the Utah canyons or on Hawaiian beaches don't really

 So I've been struggling lately.  I knew my anxiety was getting bad when the corners of the internet that are my escape from anxiety? They are causing me more anxiety. Yes, I love going to Twitter or discord to find other people who love the same shows that I do, but what if what I have to say about them is stupid, irrelevant, off topic, too obvious, or too obscure... I should shut up, I should delete my post. Or, I should engage more, be more lively, create original content-- ugh, no! I should do more, I should stop trying so hard, ugh, or try harder or etc etc etc I exhaust myself! I swear I could have imposter syndrome at an imposter symposium. But having my escape get colored with my anxiety was unpleasant enough that it forced me to pay attention. Realizing that there was no corner of my mind that was free from screeching, nails-on-chalkboard anxiety and distress sort of forced me to stop and observe. I swear to god, nearly five years of therapy and I am still often so shook b