40 Year Old Widow!!! Aka hot commodity on the virtual dating market!!!!!

Today I got my second dose of the vaccine! I'm feeling loopy and sore and shaky, but in two weeks, I'll be DTD! Down to...date!

But how?

It's been over a year of quarantine. My "people skills" are "rusty." But, full disclosure, I've been reading (and writing) a LOT of romantic fanfic and remembering that I want that. Romance, partnership. The fluttery adventure of getting to know someone with that question in mind-- is this us? Are we good together? Do you like me, do I like you? How much? What are we willing to give and receive, what are we willing to leave behind when we go into something new? 

Oof, I have to stop there or I'll freak myself out.

Okay, so I go sign in to the dating site. My details are 3 or 4 years out of date. The pictures are still clearly me, but... the last year has changed something in me. I feel haggard and sad in a Pacific Northwest way that these chipper photos in the Utah canyons or on Hawaiian beaches don't really show. So, oof, do I have any pictures of myself?

Scroll scroll scroll-- ah, well. An arm's length selfie of myself in the foreground, the kids looking mad in the background on our weekly hike? No, I don't want my kids' pictures in there. 

A scowling shot, close up on the crowsfeet, a selfie I took so I could get some skincare help? Nope.
Hm, a melodramatic 3/4 shot of me looking off into the forest. I was having a panic attack and that moment, actually, and I wanted to remember that it had happened. If I don't make a record, I forget, and then I don't notice patterns, or pause to course correct before things get...dire. I don't look like I'm having a panic attack-- I hope not anyway. I look confident and breezy and artsy against the green leaves, a slight smile on my craggy profile.

Well, it'll do, pig.

Okay, what are my preferences? 30 is too young. Crap. In order to make my age preferences a "deal breaker" I have to pay $6 a month. Fine, bye AppleTV, wasn't using you anyway. And anyway, there's something about money changing hands that means I'll be slightly more likely to actually check in, and not run off to hide. 35-50? Is that a reasonable range?

Deep breaths. I remind myself: I want this. I am not enjoying being single. I want another adult in my life. I want to find my person. Or heck people, sure! Process of elimination, let's go. 

And there is no other way to do this, since matchmakers aren't really a thing, sorry Tevya, and it would be awkward to walk around the farmer's market in a T-shirt that said "Seeking Soulmate! Say Hi to Apply!" I could decorate it with a bunch of nerdy stickers and patches to really scare off the normies. There's nothing more painful than hitting it off with someone, and then them making fun of you for being a nerd. 

I can't survive that again. 

Nerd flag, loud and proud. 

I'm facing down my out of date profile and considering my track record using the site: 

• one marvelous summer fling
• one new FB friend on the opposite coast
• one kismet reunion with an old high school friend, which went really well until it didn't
• one terrifying date with a Trumpster-fire person (where he wouldn't let me out of the car and kept driving out to the woods and I thought I was going to be murdered behind the dumpster and he LOLed that he catfished me with an old photo of himself and he literally pulled off into a parking lot behind a condo and so I stealthily set an alarm to go off and said shoot, I'm expected to go pick up my fresh tuna order from the coast, people are waiting for me and know where I am, please take me back to my car, and thought oh my god what have I done, I could have fucking orphaned my kids for the sake of a coffee date, whatthefuck was I thinking, I'm never doing this again) and
• then I fell into an intense blaze of a relationship with a real-life friend, and I unplugged the bleeping the virtual radar. But that blazed out.

Okay, so...Now what?

Okay, I go check my preferences. Who am I looking for? Do they have a "Mary Poppins" option? or a hot Chinese cultivator who can use musical instruments as kung fu weapons? Hmmm, nope, it's just asking about gender.
Oof, I remember the murder guy, and set it to women only. Actually, I set it to "everyone but straight cis-men." Sorry to the straight cis-men in my life. 

If...I know any...?

Other preferences: Do I care if they're kosher? no. Fat? No. If they speak Catalan or C++ (har har) Drugs, Alcohol, Cigarettes... ugh, I'd rather they didn't? Is there a "this is alarming for me because my husband was an alcoholic and I'd rather not deal with it" option?

Now the real wild bit. The Personal Statement. 

I spent years teaching high school, I can slam out a 5 paragraph essay in moments. But what's my thesis? "Here are All the Reasons Why You Should Date Me: I am overeducated and underemployed, I am great at puns, and I will NOT make fun of you, for anything. Also, boobs."? or "Here are the 5 unresolved needs from my past I want you to allow me to project on you until the oxytocin gives out." Or "Here is a list of all my favorite crap rattling around in the junk drawer of my brain, if any of this sounds like it matches up with your junk, or if you just think that stuff is neat-o, HMU."

My first impulse is the weed out non-starters. I remember a friend telling me that whenever he was approached by aggressive homeless people on the street, he would just amp up his own crazy, and they'd walk away, stunned and alarmed. Maybe that's my approach. If you outlast the initial blast of aggressively Manic Pixie Dreamgirl content, you may stick around for my cottage core earthsign, and I will bake you bread and bring you soup and play you lulling Hawaiian songs on the ukulele.

How's this for the "Put the Crazy First:"

Hello! I am deeply traumatized by my beloved but mentally ill husband's suicide 4 years ago, and so are my 3 (THREE) children! Also my mom's protracted illness and death of cancer left me deeply scarred! Also I have ADHD so I get really super excited about stuff, it's painful for me to start or finish tasks, even when I really want to do them, and I will be devastatingly hurt by Every Little Rejection. I am really super into fandom stuff: right now it's gay Chinese historical dramas. I write smutty fanfic and yell about it on the internet with other people who do the same! Please send a message if you get excited about stuff too, if you enjoy mowing the lawn regularly, and you can remain steady and gentle in the face of people Dealing With Hard Shit, and if you will be a bottomless well of kindness and affection, because I am afraid there is No End To My Need, and if I experience a scrap of kindness I may burrow into your lap forever and never let you go----

That's.... a little grim. 

Maybe I should try the "you catch more flies with honey" approach. While I'm pointing this laser lens inward, how about a tempting cottage core portrait? 

Hello! Here are all the compelling and shiny reasons why you should ask me on a date. I have 2 (TWO!) graduate degrees, I speak 5 (FIVE!) languages, I have lived in Europe, Asia, Hawaii, and on both coasts of the US! I am a writer and I enjoy urban farmsteading with bees, chickens, fruit trees, and a garden! I also play music--ukulele, flute, and vocals. I've recorded several Celtic albums, and I dance Hula. I can whip up a salve and read tarot. I'm writing a memoir with a real press and an editor everything. I design tattoos. I cook a great curry, bake bread, balance budgets, I don't drink or smoke, and I plan to travel internationally with my kids every year until they graduate from highschool. I'm very nice and I will not make fun of you for the stuff you're excited about. I want to go to new restaurants, find new hikes and beaches, and have new experiences with someone who is excited about the world, and likes to hunker down around the firepit, too. Wowsa, awoogah, what a catch folks!

That's intense. And it sounds fake. 

What about a mix. 

It's been a long pandemic, and I'm vaccinated! I'm ready to meet new people, hold hands, hug, go to new places. Let's go do stuff in person.

 I love to hike and camp! I tend to go to the same spots over and over and I'd like to explore new ones. 

I'm widowed, almost 5 years ago. My kids are my priority. Also, I need a life and community beyond them. 

I have a lot of degrees (English, Education, Folklore, Instructional Design!), and I have terrible anxiety about not accomplishing what I want to in life (I want to publish books!) I speak a lot of languages (Japanese, Hawaiian, Dutch, ASL, English) and I'm always curious about the world, and travel is a priority for me. 

My ADHD/executive function is laughable (ugh mowing the lawn is a nightmare), and I'm sensitive about it (don't judge my raggedy lawn, or my sketchy chicken coop, unless you're going to fix it, I'll die of embarassment). 

I love my friends and family endlessly, and I'm awful about sending cards or returning texts in a timely manner. Just come over and hang out on the porch with a pot of tea. 

I like to cook. Sometimes I go off-recipe and the results are odd (wasabi-mayo salmon with furikake is heckin delicious). I don't drink bc my doctor told me not to, and I'm sad about it. :((((( I will watch sadly as you enjoy dark beers or herby cocktails. :(((((

I'm an ex Mormon so I lean towards mysticism but away from charismatic leaders. Also, when you are sad, I will make you food. It's genetic. 

I am looking for my soulmate, for a life partner to stand with me as we plant our gardens, map our travels, and celebrate the turning of the years. I'm also looking for new friends, new people to fold into my life, new perspectives on new advnetures. 

Well. It's posted. 
Ugh. Will I ever check it again? Paypal foiled me, the payment didn't go through. There goes my financial insentive to use it well. 

Hmmmm, maybe I'll leave it for another day. 

I've thought of an alternatuive title for this post. 
The Widow's Swipe.